Sister Agnes Said, " You're Going to Hell and No One Will Visit Your Grave"

Today I am going to broach that most difficult and sacred topic that we are taught at a very early age to never discuss in mixed company. Religion.

I must disclose that I am 90% Agnostic, 10% Episcopalian and 100% recovering Catholic. I have a real problem with most organized religions, the constant begging for money to pay off the victims of priest abuse, or the pastor’s elegant mansion or his airplane or the TV station that airs his weekly yammering. I also have a problem with an organization that teaches from the 19th century and fails to move forward, and demand that we all do the same.  The hypocrisy gets on my nerves as well.

I do like the Episcopal Church as they, to me, are Catholic light. All the fun of church, without the guy in a dress and the red Ferragamos telling me I an inherently evil and will burn in hell. I go to the local Episcopal Church to listen to the stories and socialize. I really like the Vicar as well. Honestly I don’t really buy into all the readings and such, but enjoy the sermons and life lessons. And my partner likes it, so I go.

So the thing that got me going today on religion was a “leaked” release of Tiger Woods press conference tomorrow. It was your standard, “I am sorry, I failed you…blah blah blah” bullshit, but throughout the speech he kept throwing in God. Asking God to forgive him and God bless us for putting up with his screwing enough holes to fill a golf course “indiscretions.”

Now when I was a boy in my own little version of hell Catholic school, I was taught to fear God, to be scared of him if you did something wrong, like screw 18 women while your wife is home taking care of your spawn. It was common knowledge that if you did something really wrong you would end up in hell and no one would love you or come visit your grave. It really didn’t have to be much clearer than that.

When did it become vogue to throw his name around every time someone does something stupid or win an award? Now I get the whole forgiveness thing, but if memory serves, a mortal sin is a real whopper of a sin and you’re going to hell no matter how many press conferences you have with him as the key note speaker.

Chris Brown beats Rihanna to a bloody pulp, yup you got, press conference with God. Bernie Ebbers, the former lying, cheating bastard CEO of WorldCom/MCI was even an ordained minister and stood in front of his clueless minions and told them he was “Completely innocent” of all charges against him. Where is he now? One word, prison.

Honestly I don’t have a problem with people being religious, truly I don’t. But my Nana (Grandmother) used to have a saying when someone who passed themselves off as holier than thou did something wrong, “Holy holy on Sunday only.” I used to laugh at her, but as I grew older I got it. These people that think they only need to follow the teachings and lessons one day a week, for one short hour are nothing less than liars and actors. Religion isn’t a tag you put on yourself, it is a way of life. If you go to church and listen to what they tell you, you should have learned by now that the whole point of life, religion and faith, is being a good person. It’s simple really. Even to a person who does not buy into the whole package. Be a good person like that guy Jesus was. It’s sad that most people forget that the minute they walk out of the church.

So Tiger, Chris, Michael Vick and every other abuser, murderer, thieving bastard CEO, if you got caught, don’t go asking for God to help you and forgive you and me to pray for you. It’s not happening. You’re going to hell and no one will care or visit your grave, just like Sister Agnes used to tell me in 3rd grade. It's wonderful you want to be a better person now, after hurting so many, but  remember you’re still going to hell.

Oh and to the crazy Jesus freak on the freeway this morning with more divine bumper stickers than paint and the "Jesus Loves You" plate frame, talking on your cell phone while driving 20 miles under the speed limit is wrong and illegal and I think a mortal sin.  If not, it should be.  In either case, you're going to hell too.