First the Ice Cream, Then the Matches

Although well documented, most consumers are too stupid blissfully unaware of the “grocery shrink ray.” Sorry my misanthropy is showing.

For those readers unclear on this relatively new concept brought to you by corporate assholes titans, it is the shrinking of commercial products while still charging the same price as the larger, once commonplace, size.

I first noticed this trend last year when I went to purchase my daily vice, ice cream. “Hello, my name is Michael and I am an ice cream addict.” The frigid shelves at my local overpriced supermarket had containers of the frozen goodness in two sizes suddenly. Some on the shelves were 1.75 quarts and others were 1.5 quarts, yet they both were priced at $3.99. WTF? I have dealt with this whole passing off a half gallon as 1.75 quarts for some time now. Since apparently basic math is no longer being taught in schools and if kids don’t have a calculator or a laptop they can’t make change or perform simple math equations, here is today’s math lesson, a gallon is 4 quarts, hence a half gallon is 2 quarts, but in supermarkets, math is taught differently. I also love how they throw the metric system bullshit in there too, just to confuse us even more.

So after being screwed over dealing with 14% less ice cream, I began to notice my ground coffee was no longer the same size. Well actually it was, sort of. Those number crunching, penny pinching dickheads geniuses at Folgers decided that a pound ( 16 oz) of coffee was simply too much for the average consumer and changed the amount of coffee in a one pound container to 13 ounces. Here is the best part, they kept the container the same size and “puffed” the coffee flakes so it appears to be the same quantity inside! Brilliant! But wait there’s more! Those same number crunching, penny pinching dickheads geniuses have now decided 13 ounces is too much and lowered the amount to 11.5 ounces. Basic math lesson # 2, that is a 30% reduction in the amount of coffee, yet you are paying the same price as if it were a full pound. I love paying for air, don’t you? Did you even notice you were getting screwed pick pocketed while shopping?

The corporate dickheads titans have explained their reasoning for all this as “a way to increase prices as dishonestly as possible without upsetting the consumer.”

We now have two kinds of math in America, basic honest to goodness and supermarket hocus pocus.

Hagen Daz pints are now 14 ounces. Chicken of the Sea (it’s TUNA Ms. Simpson) contains 5 ounces of tuna in a 7 ounce can. Tropicana Orange juice contains 89 ounces in their original 96 ounce jug. A pound of Farmer John sausages now weighs 12 ounces, and a pound of Chips Ahoy cookies now weighs a paltry 14 ounces.

Now all if this has my blood pressure boiling over when I shop, but last week the old ticker went into hyper drive and those poor, overworked vessels struggled to keep it all in.

Matches. Yes, matches. I bought a 8 pack of standard, old fashioned, wooden “strike on the box” matches and noticed something strangely different about them from the start. I went to light the match, I have been playing with fire lighting matches for most of my adult life, and discovered that I had to strike the match 2 or three times to get it to light. The shrink ray struck again. Is nothing sacred?? The phosphorus, the little red stuff on the tip that lights, was reduced to a miniscule droplet on the end of the stick. So now when I attempt to light a match I feel like a Paleolithic caveman rubbing sticks to create fire and jump with glee when I finally succeed.

I used to view shopping as a weekly adventure, picking and choosing the best produce and freshest item for our meals. Now I walk in, sulk, grab what I need and hand the cashier my credit card and a jar of Vaseline as I, once again, prepared to be screwed.